Once or twice a week, I would go out to perform and jam with local musicians in a bar in Santa Barbara. One night a fellow from Scotland threatened to kill me. He had been in a war, and thought I had no right to say anything about it. He may have been right...

 
09/13/01
A man tonight
held his pain so tight
He would have killed me
if I'd tried to take it away.

I could not reach into his soul
Nor could I calm his angry stare.
How could I say that war is hell
When I wasn't even there?

"Because I look at you",
I answered to the walls
if not his ears
"You pulled the gun
You took the shot
That you've been dying from for years.

And now you are a warrior on
A dark and lonely star".
A holy war is every bit
The hell the others are.
On a lighter of Hell:
That hell is inside heaven
Is a fact that no one knows.
I say it but I really
don't believe - I suppose.

But in Heaven you are granted
what you truly want the most.
You'll see some people passing up
an angel for a ghost.

You will call to souls who hide away
You'd wish they could be free,
But they're not finished starving
underneath the apple tree.

So God provides a place to rest
But only if you can
Or you can spend forever
To be still an angry man

10/03/01

I have nothing more to say
And it's been that way for awhile
I have kept on talking
To keep you by my side
But I really have
Nothing more to say.

Can I stop?
Could I maybe listen
What would I hear
without myself trying to be heard?
What would I write If I only read?
Where would I be
Without trying to be seen?

If I wasn't
A voice
An opinion
A talent
An offering of some sort,

What would be left
I don't know
But it's walking
Down the path with me
And when I really
Have nothing more to say
I will see...
10/11/01

If I am uncertain
Of who I am
I play music.
I am not music
I am the one who listens
In the notes
I hear my home, like the scent of Jasmine
in the summer wind.

Music is not who I am
It is where I am
As if, on my path in life,
I have come upon this magnificent view
And I have no need
To go any further for a while.

Music plays me
In its longing for the light.
I am never alone
When I play -
For the spirits listen also.
They come so close to me
We breathe the same air
Share the same visions
And we listen together
In grace.
Songs often know before I do. This lyric for a song was written 3 weeks before it happened.
11/10/01

I barely had the chance
To say goodbye
I scarcely felt the falling tears
I never suffered
Through the lonely times
Yet this miracle appears:

New love
True love
Every moment is forever
Feel me
Heal me
And sing the song
Cause love is when you pass it on.
After 5 years of separation (and hanging on) the divorce became "final", and a week later new love appeared.

They say that when you are joyful for no reason, it can last forever. I had few possessions, but a place to sleep, place to work, and I needed nothing more. My life was a movie, and anything could happen.
11/16/01

I
am having
the best mid life crisis ever.
And why not?
It is a crisis
when you discover
how little could be left of time.
to do so much
How many waterfalls
How many eyes to stare into
Hands to touch
Hearts to hold
I am dancing
I fly like a sail
on the wind of a life
not lived yet
- not drunk to the bottom
Crisis?
What crisis?
I'm living my life again.
When anything can happen, it usually does. My "mystery woman" and I decided to talk to each other, after one and a half years of silently dancing together. We took a walk on the beach. We fell together like a pile of puppies. She listened to my music, I saw her paintings. She called me from a journey and spoke so directly to my soul I knew this was a true gift for the next chapter of my life.
12/07/01

Who would want
these tears to ever dry?
Like rivers
they roll down my face
Struck with a symphony
of blessings
I stand
unable to speak
Incapable of thought
Shattered by the way you love me.

I now love
Everyone I see
For I see them as part of you
My lucky stars
shine down from straight overhead
I shout with my heart back home:
I made it
I didn't have to die this time
I see you from the other side
And I still have
Years left to live...

So grant me nothing more
Than what I've had -
I would have had my day.
But grant me more and I will live
to give this miracle away.

12/08/01

Can I possibly
describe?
My words are alphabet soup in your eyes.

Eternity
slips through my fingers
and my mind,
like untethered balloons
float in a sea of blue.

There's a bar up in Heaven
Where the angels all dine
If they have a good day
they drink mulberry wine.
For miraculous ways, now
A Chablis will sustain
But tonight all the angels
are drinking champagne.

We lived happily together for years, moved to the country,where she found an even greater joy: horses, dogs and other animals. I wrote songs, learned how to ride and appreciate the stillness and presence of the "beasts".
 

Still, after some time it became obvious we were moving in different directions:

 

  
1/4/03     There is a dream
that is vanishing before me
Like sand it slips
Through my fingers the more
I grasp onto it.

Do you long like me
I ask the silent air
As you sleep next to me
Do you miss the strokes
That static, psycic realm
of our senses going wild?

I miss it
I say to the wind outside the window
to bring you pleasure
pleasures me so much
I find it hard to go without
For as long as I love
I long to reach into you
and have you reach into me

That connection we felt
in the beginning
Where does it go?
Do we know too much now?
Do you know too much about me?
If I go away, will it come back
If I stay,.will it never return?
How long can I wait this time?
 
                 
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